Thursday, April 2, 2009

My Life was over.

Or so I had felt. I knew MS. I met the MonSter when it took over my grandfather. I was about 8 when memories of my grandfather's MS began effecting his gait. He relied on a cane to keep his balance, then a power chair. He passed away when I was 20 of complications from the disease.

I closed the doors of my store 4 days later. I didn't give up by all means but my family was more important and I needed to take some time to accept this. My daughter was less than 5 months old, what was I going to do?

Honestly, for a while I kinda lost it. I was depressed but I also tried to learn as much as I could about the disease. I bought a big book, the cover said it had all the answers. I thought to myself, would it have the answers I sought? I set the book next to the toilet. You are either laughing or frowning...either way you'd like to know why right? Well, my husband is a busy man so I figured it would be the best place for him to find the answers HE needed.

I think my biggest question was not about the effects my body was going to experience, but what my relationship with my husband going to be like? The reason I have not been open about my disease was because it has taken this long for me and my husband to come together and accept this as a team. I needed him, and he needed me more. I know for a point I spent too much time thinking about me and feeling sorry for myself that I completely ignored his needs. We hit a rut. Well, it was more like a few whoops then a giant hole...we hit bottom. Some how we got through it. It didn't happen overnight but I am proud to say that to this day my husband and I are the closest we've been in our entire 14 year relationship. It's amazing what negative gifts reap positive rewards.

I didn't think about how my friends would react, they were my friends for a reason. I knew they would be there for me. I let everyone know about my MS in my own way, mostly in private conversation. Everyone reacted as expected and asked about my health and the disease. Friends change, people change, disease changes people. My friends I told about my disease then, the ones I needed more than anything...changed. Or was it me? I don't know but either way we grew apart and rarely share a monthly visit or forwarded email.

What's next? Tomorrow of course. Our family has been a victim of this shitty economy and my husband was laid off from his job. I immediately went from being a stay at home mom and housewife to a full time employee. I can't even begin to express how much happier I am to be back at work. There is something about being back to work that makes me feel good about myself. I love being a mommy, it is the best job in the world. I would go back in a second. However, I think that it is healthier for me to work. My brain has periods of sluggishness, and it scares me. Working, producing things, completing deadlines, makes me confident that I am not loosing my mind. I exercise my body to keep it strong, why not my mind?
Did I mention that I love my job? I have the best boss, great friends that I work with, AND I get to bring my dog to work everyday! I am officially on the road to recovery.